has it always been so out of hand?
posted by rosebleed @ 4:32 AM
and all I can think is this wasn't supposed to happen oh I waiver so much that I'm starting to notice a pattern if I set my standards low will I still feel it in my bones and how far can I expect this to go (and all I know is I can't bear to go)
suddenly it seems so familiar every time I run for the door energies I waste in retreating to quieter ground (over and over and over and over again) every side of my cage must face the sound (noise I can't escape, in or out)
how evil of me to use sound as a metaphor for something bad. shame on me. I'm actually really mad at myself for those last two (well ok, four) lines, because I didn't want to bring that sentiment into this song, the whole "no matter what I do I'm fucked" mentality. but I loved the wording, despite the way I jump from idioms to a random metaphor. anyway, I didn't like this song much at first, but of course it's grown on me. I just wish I would stop writing such harsh things (at least it seems that way to me). I sampled a super old song here (the over and over line), which got me recording super old songs for fun. I'm not doing the world any favors by saving these things...
soundtrack of our lives
posted by rosebleed @ 10:29 PM
go here to hear a cover of Less Than Jake's "soundtrack of my life" that was done by ericcc from the Less Than Jack board, which is now graced with my mediocre vocals. I spent much more time on this than I should admit, and as I said on the board, "I don't have anything nice to say about this, but I hope you like it." but really, it's a lot of fun and eric did all the other instrumentation-- which sounds awesome.
my songs are starting to bleed together
posted by rosebleed @ 3:59 AM
I wait for all this weight to lift from me I only wish that I could hide from everything (take me away) and everything I stand to gain from this there is nothing left for me I am so completely empty
(I won't be free until I claim what's haunting me oh if I stall till I am ready will there be enough of me for me to defeat my enemy)
oh but I must soldier on (no pain you say) I must be strong (no pain you say) I can't go on (these games we play)
(will I make it through the day oh can I outlast the pain) no pain you say no pain you say no gain today (these games we play)
this is some bastard of a song that's currently an addition to 'no pain'. which makes a bit of sense because of the way the song makes a ton of references to other songs, but the sampling I'm doing here is a bit too over the top. regardless, I like it, so I'm screwed I guess. I was just saying that streetlight manifesto makes me feel a little bit better that all my songs sound the same (and I don't mean that in a bad way).
and here's another song I've been sitting on, it's in pieces and doesn't want to fit together just yet, but I can only hope I'll smash it all together and do it justice:
and now I cast you out of my life (and now I cast you out of my life) waiting to give in to my fright (until I change my mind) I'm so afraid to be alone but I've been here all along all alone
either way I cannot stay this way (all the way I've been counting the days) oh I know I can't overcome will I make it through the day oh can I outlast the pain (all the things you've done to me all the things that I chose not to see) of all the things that you and I have overdone
for now I'll take you into my life (so now I cannot make up my mind) 'cause I will give in every time and every day that I'm alone I wish for something I could hold (something for me to hold onto) something to hold something to hold (can I hold on)
I'm so tired of being unable to decide oh will I ever find it in me to call it a night oh I can't say that it's not worth it I can't say that it's not right I can only say that I have no more will to fight
I wrote this a while ago in some half asleep haze and just rediscovered it. I have another song I'm eager to post, but it's not ready yet, it's confused and still sort of in the concept stage. I've been really lazy with my guitar writing lately, and I keep repeating chord progressions and vocal melodies that go with them. would someone remind me that I love playing the guitar and that there's much more I could be doing with it than a standard/overused chord progression with the same strumming rhythm that I use in every single song I've written since "falling"? that's half the reason I want a band (well, maybe a quarter), to bring out my creativity on the guitar, but I'm so unconfident in my guitar skills at this point I would probably be ashamed or embarrased to play with anyone who was any good at their instrument. not that I expect to ever get a band, or to do any of the things I had planned for my life, but I never stop hoping.
there's no other way to live than filled with doubt
posted by rosebleed @ 4:45 AM
all the clocks have struck the time that we should be defined (that we should have been defined) by now we should be well upon our way (we are in the way) there's nowhere we can't stray (there are so many steps to take) but still we stay
when I find the way, I'll be sure to check it out (chicken out) but I always will be frightened by the sound and no matter what I'll never live it down (there's no other way to live than filled with doubt)
I wish it wasn't so late (early) so I could write more to this. I should not even bother to mention anymore that I've ripped off at least two of my own, and others', songs. but I was saying the other day that someone would have a lot of fun rearranging my songs, since they're all in the same or similar keys and would probably fit well together. maybe I'll do that when I get too old to write anymore good music, if I ever need to fill some shitty record label's album quota, or if I want to milk my songs for all they're worth (which probably isn't much). being so bitter is fun, isn't it?
I can still feel the waves crashing over me I can still feel the weight pushing down on me I can still feel the rain washing over me I can still feel the pain I've been gathering
no pain, you say
---
and I wasn't gonna post this one, but what the hell, excuse the bad rhyme scheme:
could I have been the one to save you if lines could be redrawn, would I change your view would time be overturned if you came to would fires cease to burn, and waters fail to move is there nothing I could say in my last words to you if a rose is a rose and can't be changed into blue
I have a giraffe on my shirt.
posted by rosebleed @ 12:54 AM
I can't sing right now and it's hell (sore throat). right now my voice belongs in a bad american idol audition that everyone would laugh at and be so amused by because exploiting people and pointing out their weaknesses and stomping on their misguided dreams is fun (especially when it's so obviously staged).
did I just say something about american idol? I'm terribly sorry. really I want to attempt a notification thing for my new posts so my non-existent readers can read my bitching right when I post it. right now it doesn't seem to be working. :(
6:54pm
ok, right now I'm testing out feedblitz.com and considering using a google group. I know I'm wasting my time, but what else is new.
3/12/07
Warning: semi-techno-babble ahead. I set up the notification through feedblitz, it has some drawbacks, but it's pretty straightforward, you don't need to sign up for anything, you just have to type in your email address, you can unsubscribe easily, and the emails aren't too ugly or anything. it checks once a day for updates to the journal and sends out an email if there are any. only problem with that is, if I go find a typo in some super-old journal entry, I'm gonna fix it, and it'll probably consider that an update and send you a link to the entry, and you'll be all: wtf, there's nothing new here! but I'll try to keep that to a minimum, and this is not always a bad thing since I do go to old entries and add things to them (ie. this entry right here). I set it up so you can't read the entry in the email because I don't want to take any traffic away from my site (this is why I didn't do the group thing, blogger has this thing where it will send new entries to an email address you specify, so if you send it to a group address, it goes out to all the group members, just incase you were wondering how that was supposed to work). I think I have the option to put in a footer in the emails and may put in some exclusive links to mp3 files or something, I'm not sure yet. because it only sends out emails once a day, I haven't done any full-fledged testing of this yet, but I'm pretty sure it's good to go (hence me putting the form on the page), to sign up for it just click the subscribe link under the archives. and again, I know that not many people read this journal (I should assume that since I don't have many comments, I don't have many readers), but it's sort of designed to increase the reading of the journal, and maybe I have a few silent lurkers out there, who knows. I usually try to avoid posting boring website entries like this one, but sometimes I can't help it, since I'm not only a mediocre musician, I'm also a mediocre webdesigner/developer.
but, back to something relevant, I can sing again! at least, for the most part. so I am very grateful for that.
(speaking of typos, this whole thing has given me some incentive to proofread, to avoid making a million edits to an entry, and I fixed two semi-ironic typos, both of which I make all the time, one being "type" instead of "typo" and the other being "sign" instead of "sing". I'm all about irony, even when it's as incredibly pointless as this, so I just had to share that. I'll shut up now.)
5/14/07
oh, and apparently edits don't show up on the notification emails. oh well, that could be a good or a bad thing.
"why do I torture myself?"
posted by rosebleed @ 7:52 PM
I find myself sifting through letters (sifting through the mail) and checking for calls on my cell (checking for holes in my cell)
I ask myself what is the point if I can't even handle it well (what is the point of this hell)
well, if I can't write a song without harmonies and mutltiple vocal parts, then so be it, that's how I write. and I happen to adore it. my deepest apologies for using the word "cell" but I really it sounded a lot better than "phone" and I got the double meaning out of it, so I'm satisfied with it. but um, this song is so dark, it's similar to "silence" in a way. I did a cool echo effect with the lines in the second verse. but, like an ass, I can't play the guitar part, so I resorted to playing the straight chords and dubbing the picking part, which might stick, who knows. but I want some kind of explosive chorus for this. I know that sounds kind of cheesy, but I've been listening to becky's new song, "this machine" and while I think it may repeat the chorus too much, it's very powerful and I'd love something like that for this song. this song also reminds me a bit of Evelyn Red's "hourglass" (it's the guitar part, and theirs is much cooler than mine) and that also has a very strong chorus. we'll see, time will tell, haha.
(I'm a dork.)
2/22/07
why torture myself I die every time your presense is felt (every time our silence is squelched) a blazing fire is fed I crave for this thirst to be quenched (I need for this need not to be met)
this morning I saw your ghost sitting in front of the window you'd never wear that, I said you'd never understand what that meant
I ask myself what is the point if I can't even explain it well (why do I torture myself) what is the point if I can't even tell you myself (why do I torture myself)
are you watching are you listening are you watching (are you really listening) are you listening (are you watching me)
and the "I ask myself" repeats about a million times, it's not the strong "chorus" I was going for, but it's catchy, and the "why torture myself" is pretty strong, if not in the way I wanted it to be. my crappy recording I think ends sort of abruptly, since I want to repeat the last part until you want to strangle me, but it's alright as is. because I know I'm never going to record it.
so, I had sort of a surreal experience this morning, which inspired a lot of this, and I have to be a dork and compare it to the x-files episode "beyond the sea," where scully sees a vision of her father sitting in front of her when she's first waking up, and then recieves a call that he died. and honestly, that idea spooked me a little bit, but I'm not really a spiritual person, and I'm sort of showing that and questioning it in the song.
I can't even begin to count how many songs (my own and others') I've ripped off in this one. one of which I'm still trying to place, some song that says "fire" in the same prominent way that I sing it, I suppose I'll figure it out eventually.
this song is spinning in my head so much I don't even want to listen to it. to prove my dork-ism once more, I was reading a less than jake interview where they were asked if they listened to their own music, and I guess I'm just weird for listening to mine. really I think I'm my only fan. I listen to my own music about as much as I listen to my favorite artists, maybe I'm just vain and self-absorbed, yes, that's probably it.
3/20/07
I put this up on purevolume.com, and probably against my better judgement, I knocked off Away From Here (but now people will just have to download it to listen to it). as far as the ending of this song not being long enough, I decided I would play the whole part (from the 'are you watching' part) one additional time, but every time I attempt to splice it into the current recording, I get way too frustrated, so it will just have to wait. I really really really wish I could put up more streaming songs for people to listen to, because I have all these songs that are done but don't have formal recordings yet, and I want to share them with anyone who is willing to listen and overlook their demo-ish nature. I guess it's just more incentive to get the flash player for my site working...
evening
posted by rosebleed @ 6:28 AM
every day I wake up to the afternoon telling me it's just too late to move
I'd wake up to the morning light but I cannot stand to waste the night I cannot take the feel of direction
under my shell I'm soft and frail over all this stone is a place that should've been home but I know it'll never come close it'll never come close
every day I end up waiting for the world to stop rotating because I can't pick up the pieces all alone
(it'll never come close)
every day I try to stay on top will I finish, will I even start the lists are getting longer by the minute (the day is getting shorter by the minute)
all the clutter's piled much too high (from floor to ceiling) this room is a store of abandoned ties (the air is stifling) (the air in this room is running dry) you'd think I could resist the urge to fill it (who thought I could remain here all alone)
I thought I could remain all alone (what do I know) what if I don't (don't go) (what if I go) I came close but I know
I hate finishing songs and being completely incapable of recording them well. but I'm fighting with n-track right now to mix down the usual shit-version. I think I'm happy with it, but I'll probably come up with some complaints as I continue to listen to it. oh well.
6:47pm
I added some lines to the end (above), so now I get to mix it down again (joy). this song sort of changed its subject on me and I'm a little annoyed about it (I guess you can't avoid putting what you're feeling into a song). but whatever.
this was supposed to be a fun post, here, my abandoned ties:
by the way, the ending of this totally reminds me of stina nordenstam's "little star" every time I listen to it. which isn't really a bad thing because I love the song, but I'm not a big fan of ripping people off (even acidentally).
this is a part of "with you" that got left out, and now I have no idea where to fit it in. I could kick myself for writing it.
I'm having the same dilemma with "time will tell" because I have two different versions, as far as the order of the parts goes, and one sounds better when I play it without harmony (as in live), and the other sounds better as a recording. I don't want to have to deal with two different versions of the song. songwriting should not be so decision-based.
